Dont try to fix me, I'm not Broken
by imissyouimissyou
Summary: Maybe it's just useless love. Maybe it's not supposed to be this way. Maybe we were never meant to happen. Maybe we're both just looking for someone to belong to. Maybe we're looking for a way out.
1. Last Thoughts

Chapter 1

**Ellie's POV**

The cold air hit my face as I stepped out into the bright september day. I was -finally- in 12th grade, my senior year. And after everything that has happened these past years, i've got to say, I can't wait to get out of this school. I mean, ever since i've moved here, things have gone wrong. Marco being gay, my mom, cutting, the co-op, sean..ugh, sean. I didn't even want to think about him. I just wanted to get on with my last year of school. I don't even care if he comes back. Okay, maybe I do. But it's not like i would jump into his arms if I saw him. He left. And okay, I do miss him. To the point where i've actually _almost_ called him. But I didn't. And I wouldn't talk to that jerk, even if you payed me.

I'm making a resolution this year: No guys. I've experimented with them, and i've come up with a proposition - guys suck. First, it was marco. Don't get me wrong, Marco is one of the sweetest guys you'll ever meet. But when he told me that he couldn't love me like I loved him, it completely crushed me. Then, Sean. I loved sean, I really did. Yeah, he had some bad qualities. He stole things, and thats not too good. But it was like he was different when he was with me. And it was the first time in my life that I felt important to someone. Like I mattered. And then he left. And things have been kinda crappy after that. Wow, this is pathetic, I need to move on. Sean and me are over. So why do I still miss him like crazy?

**Sean's POV**

I could hear my parent screaming at each other to answer the phone. They were drunk again-go figure. I fell into their lie again. I thought they would be different this time, I thought they would have changed. But I guess not. I shouldn't have ever stayed here. I had an apartment, student welfare, and Ellie. I couldn't have asked for more. And there I go, screwing things up again. I had something good with Ellie. And I broke her heart. Way to go, Cameron.

I've done a lot of thinking. Maybe I should go back. I could get my apartment back, and I could go back on student welfare. I seriously can't stand living here anymore. Everyday is like the same routine. Wake up, clean house, go to school, come home, clean some more, do homework, go to sleep. I never have any time for myself. When I was in Toronto, I could even get away with go out after school. I have absolutley no idea how I fit it all in. How did I have so much time on my hands? I can barely finish my homework here.

Now I know. I have to go back. I cant take living here anymore. Even if it's not easy, I have to get out of here. I'd go to live with Tracker in Alberta, but I have my pride, and I remember him clearly saying _'Just wait bro, your gonna be banging on my door before you know it'_. And i'm going to do that. I'm going to change. I need a major change.

I left the house and walked 2 blocks into the nearest store. I've learned my way around here. It's been 5 monthes. 5 monthes since I left Toronto, 5 monthes since i've been to degrassi, 5 monthes since i've seen anyone, but most importantly, 5 monthes since i've seen Ellie, and 5 monthes since I left her to live with my so-called parents. I walked into the second isle. I searched the shelf for a little, then I finally found it. Jet black hair coloring. Perfect.


	2. New Beginnings

**A/N: Sorry about the spelling! My microsoft word wasn't working, so I had to use wordpad (which doesn't have any spellcheck).**

**Sean's POV**

When I came home, I did it . One major change-I colored my hair. It was quite a shocker for me and my parents, but this is the new me. People are gonna have to deal with it. That night, I talked to my parents about leaving. And they hated it. Did they seriously think that i'm happy living here? Cleaning up empty vodka bottles, getting beer for dad out of the fridge. So that night I ran away. I took everything with me-all my clothes, everything. I'm gone for good. And there's nothing they can do about it.

So now i'm sitting in a train and wondering what it would be like to see everyone again. To see Ellie. I know I still love her, and I feel really bad about leaving her, but I needed to be with my parents. I wonder if she ever thinks about me, like I think about her? I dont think she would. With my luck, she probbably has a new boyfriend. Is it that wrong that i've thought about her almost every day since we last saw each other? God, I miss her.

When I finally got to Toronto, it was almost noon. It was so weird, walking in T.O again. I walked almost 5 blocks to our apartment building. I wonder if Mr. Martin would remember me, and even if he did, it would soon change as soon as he saw the color of my hair. Suprisingly, he did remember me.

"Hey Sean, your back?" he greeted me.

"Hi Mr. Martin, yeah i'm back. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and i've decided that this is where I need to be."

"Well, that's great. Your here just in time, too. I was gonna rent your old apartment to a young couple, but at the last minute, they changed their minds."

"Oh, I thought Ellie was living here?" I said, as he guided me down to the apartment.

"No, she moved out about a month ago. She's living back with her mom now. Well, here you go, just like you left it."

"Thanks Mr. Martin." I said stepping inside.

"No problem. So we'll fix the paper work later?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure."

I looked around the apartment. It really did look how I left it. Except cleaner. Ellie was always the one who kept this apartment clean. Another thing popped into my mind, I had to register at Degrassi. I didn't go during school hours, because who knows what kind of rumors that would start, I went after school. And that's when I saw it. The hall that Rick died in. I felt sick to my stomach, but when I remembered my other alternative, going back to Wasaga, it calmed things down a bit.

**Ellie's POV**

I walked into Degrassi and was greeted by Paige and her spirit squad. It's not like me and Paige are enemies, or anything, it's just that we don't really share many interests. I was wondering how I was going to survive this year. Everybody's leaving me. First Sean, now Ash. Soon it will probbably be Marco. Am I running out of friends? Oh well, theres only one more year of school anyways.

I stepped into my first period class - english with Ms. Kwan. She always bores me to death and it suprises me how I have her for english every year. I'm kinda relieved though, because as much as I don't pay attention in her class, I always do well on her tests. Her tests are so rediculously simple, that even a second grader can pass them.

Finally, one school day down, about a bazzilion left to go.


	3. Rainy Days

**A/N: Lol dietcola you'll get her response soon enough-trust me!**

**And sorry, if this chapter doesn't sound like Sean..i'm a huge HUGE sellie shipper and i thought that this would be sweet **

**Ellie's POV**

Things have seemed so boring lately. There really isn't anything to do. Everyday is the same-wake up, go to school, come home. Nothing's really happened-well, except for the whole 'Manny + video camera + no top all around the world' thing, but that doesn't really relate to me. My thoughts soon changed as soon as I saw him. What was he doing back! Did he even have to nerve to come back after all that has happened? I bet his parents gave up on him, just like they did the first time. Well, whatever. I certainly knew that talking to him is not in my future.

"Ellie?" he asked as I was walking to lunch.

I didn't even answer him back. I knew what he was going to say_ 'Oh Ellie, i'm so sorry..that was the biggest mistake I ever made!'._ Yeah, right. I would never be able to forgive him.

"Ellie, please, just hear me out."

I turned around to see what his sorry ass had to say.

"What is it Sean?"

"Elle, i'm really sorry. I never meant to hurt you like that. I really didn't. I felt so bad about it."

"Okay. Are you done?"

"No. Ellie, please, I really want to make things right with you." he replied.

"Sean, things are never going to be the same. You made it like that when you stayed in Wasaga. I hate you." I said as I walked away. I've got to admit, I felt a little bad. I mean, here was Sean, actually apologizing. It takes a lot for a guy to apologize. Maybe I was too hard on him.

**Sean's POV**

I couldn't get that image out of my head. _'I hate you'...'I hate you'..'I hate you'._ It repeated itself in my head like a record player. I had really screwed up this time, and there was nothing I could do about it.

The whole day basically sucked. Everybody whispering as I walked by. Same old teachers. Nothing's changed. And I had to walk home in the rain. I went home, and continued unpacking, and right as I started doing that, there was a knock on the door. And there she was standing outside my door, soaking wet.

"Sean?" she asked.

"What is it, Ellie? Come to tell me how I screwed up your life in even more ways? I know, I fucked up, okay? So you can save it."

"Um, no. If you actually listened to what I had to say, you would've known that I came to apologize. I'm sorry. It was out of line. I mean, I was mad that you left." she said. It was raining so hard, I couldn't tell if she was crying or not.

"Ellie, come inside. We can talk about this inside, but not here, your wet." I said, inviting her inside.

I walked into the bedroom, and searched through the sweaters I had already unpacked. I took a navy one from the dresser.

"Here, wear this" I threw her the sweater.

"Thanks" she said as she took off her wet sweater and put mine on.

"So, what are we going to do about this?" I asked.

"I don't know...Sean, would it be weird if I asked if you ever thought about me?"

"Ellie, would it be weird if I told you every day?"

She smiled. And that's when I knew that I loved her, because I can't live without that smile.


	4. Author's Note

**Author's Note- Please read!**

**Okay, actually, I decided that i'm going to change this story a little..i'm deleting chapter 4 and fixing it up a little. So keep reviewing and i hope you like the story so far!**


	5. The Let Down

**A/N: I kinda changed it around because I realized that it would be better if I did it like this. It looks like just a couple of sentances changed-but it's more so please read! And, sorry for any confusion! Thanks and keep reviewing!**

**Ellie's POV**

I can't believe it. 2 months ago, I was writing in my journal about how much I hated him, how much I despised him, how much he hurt me, and next thing I know, i'm in his house, wearing his sweatshirt! It's so weird, it's like all my hate for him disappeared as soon as I saw him. I guess it's just because I get too attached to people. So we basically spent the whole night talking. I never thought it would be like this. Actually, I never thought he would come back. And even if he did, I didn't think he would actually apologize. But, that's Sean for you. He may be tough on the outside, but I know the real him. Like, the way that he acts when Jay is there, and the way that he acts when we're alone. Well, _were_ alone. But that's a whole different story.  
Finally, at almost 11:30, I realized that my mom was going to kill me because I hadn't told her where I went after school. Yeah, it wasn't like the old times anymore when I could say _'My mom's probbably so drunk by now, that she's not even going to know who I am.'_ She went to therapy these last two months, and I think shes over it.  
"Here's your sweater" I said, taking if off.  
"Are you kidding? It's still raining outside, i'm not letting you walk home in just a tank top. Keep it, I don't mind."  
"Thanks. Well, I guess i'll see you tommorow."  
"Yeah, bye."  
I started walking home, when I noticed that some guy was following me. At first, I just thought he was walking the same way as me, but as much as I turned and twisted my path, he kept following me! I tried to dodge him by going into in alley, but it actually made things worse.  
"Can you stop?" I asked, steadily.  
"What? I'm not doing anything wrong, am I?" I tried to walk away, but he just pushed me into the brick wall.  
"I said, i'm not doing anything wrong, am I?"  
"Please, just leave me alone. Please!" Once again, I tried to escape, but this time he just pushed me down and kicked me. I tried to get up and push him off me but he was stronger then me and just kept me down.  
"You little bitch, you deserve this."  
And that's when it happened. I got...raped. It sends chills down my spine everytime I say it. I kept saying no, and he didn't even listen. He slowly took away my innocence and I didn't even have a say in it. I kept trying to run but he held me back. After he left, I couldn't even move.

**Sean's POV**

As soon as I was about to go to sleep, my cell started ringing. I wasn't in the mood to answer, so I didn't. But then it started ringing again. And I finally had to get up and answer it.  
"Hello?"   
"Hey Sean" a familier voice replied.  
"Ashley? Do you know what time it is?"  
"Sorry, I know it's late. But Ellie was at your house right?"  
"Right..what's going on?"  
"Her mom called and wanted to know where she was. Is she still there?"  
"Ash, Ellie left 30 mins ago.."  
"Then she should've been home by now! Sean, where is she! I'm really starting to worry." Ashley said in a some-what scared voice.  
"Calm down, it's no big deal. She probabbly is just taking a walk or something. And if it makes you feel better, then i'll go out and look for her, but I bet she's on her way home right now."  
"Thanks. I'll call you if she shows up."  
I dragged myself out of bed and put on a sweatshirt and a hat. I didn't really think that she would be in any trouble, she likes taking walks. I remember one time when we were living together, I woke up at 3 AM and noticed she wasn't there, and she came back an hour later saying _'I felt like taking a walk'_. But I went out anyways. It wasn't until a little after I started walking that I heard someone faintly screaming. At first, I just thought it was a cat or something. But when I turned the corner into the alley, I saw what I was fearing most. My heart was beating so fast. I couldn't stand the thought of someone hurting her.  
"Ellie! Ellie, are you okay?" As soon as the asshole saw me comming, he ran off. I would've beat the crap out of him if he hadn't run away.  
"Elle, calm down, it'll be ok. Tell me, what happened?"  
She couldn't even talk, she just kept crying. I helped her up, she couldn't walk by herself. I was so furious. I'm always the one who depended on Ellie to help me with everything, she was always there for me. And now I couldn't even protect her. She was so cut up and bruised, it hurt me everytime I looked at her.  
I took her home and let her sleep in my bed while I slept on the couch. I felt so terrible. What kind of person was I? This isn't exactly the best neighborhood, and I let her walk home alone at 11:30 at night, almost midnight? What's wrong with me? Ellie was always there for me, when I confessed to Mr.Simpson, when I confronted my parents, and even when I left her - she was always there for me. And now she comes to my house one time, and look what happens?  
I decided to call Ashley so she wouldn't worry, even though telling her what happened would make her worry even more.  
"Hey" I said.  
"Hey Sean. Did you find her?"  
"Yeah I did, actually. She..um..she fell over something and couldnt get up. She's ok, though. She can't really walk so I let her stay here tonight" I lied.  
"Oh, okay. I just wanted to make sure that she's ok."  
"Yeah, she's fine. So, i'll see you tommorow."  
"Yeah, see you. Bye."  
And that night, I didn't even sleep.


	6. Fights and More Fights

**A/N: Yay! Thank you soo much for the reviews! You have no idea how happy they make me! Hope you like this chapter and keep reviewing! Sorry, I keep switching on and off each character, but that's just so you could see what each one thinks since a lot happens in the chapter. There's a lot of cursing in this chapter, more then the others so i'm just warning you (what can I say, its a chapter where they're both extremely angry). Btw "Paige's 'direct approach' " is from Friday Night..back in season 1 (it was a deleted scene though, so you'll get it if you have the season 1 dvd)**

**Sean's POV  
**

I walked into the bedroom, and Ellie was still asleep. I didn't want to wake her, but I knew that she would be mad at me if I didn't.  
"Elle...Ellie wake up, we have to go to school." I said, gently shaking her.  
When she got up, I saw that he had really hurt her. I don't know why anyone would. I don't even think he went to our school. He looked much older. Like in his 20's? Did he even know Ellie? There was only one way to find out...Paige's "direct approach"- I remember it well. I sat Ellie down on the bed.

"Ellie, what happened last night? Did you even know that guy?" I could tell that this was a touchy subject because I saw the expression of her face quickly change. She didn't answer me, she just looked.  
After a while she finally said, "Uh, we're going to be late."   
Boy, that helped.

**Ellie's POV**

I didn't want to talk about it. I wanted to forget about it and move on with my life. I never wanted to think about that moment again. And I can't tell anyone, either. People are going to think that i'm a whore. Not that I usually care what people think, it's just that this is different. I don't want anyone to ever find out about this. And what sucks is that Sean's been bugging me to tell him what happened.  
"Ellie, i'm not trying to be annoying..but if someone hurt you, I want to know!" he said for like the gazillionth time. I would have just ignored him, but this was getting me pissed off.  
"Sean, leave me alone! What happened, happened, and now it's over so just drop it!" I said as I slammed my locker and left. Ouch, maybe a bit too harsh?  
I didn't see him the rest of the day. Wow, maybe I was a bit too mean? Whatever. I guess somethings are just better left unsaid.

**Sean's POV**

I don't get what her problem is. I'm trying to be nice and all she does is treat me like crap! I mean, come on, I would've liked to know what happened after I found her like that, all cut up and bruised. But whatever. I guess she's still mad at me because as much as I try to call her, she wont pick up.  
Honestly, it's the worst feeling in the world to know that she was mad at me and might never talk to me again. I mean, she would have to eventually, but just for that moment. I care about her and I only did this because I would never want to lose her. I figured that i'm going to have to prove that to her if I want her to forgive me. I don't even feel like I did anything wrong. Maybe it's just PMS. I don't know, but i'm not going to take a chance. Suprisingly, she came over that night.  
"I'm sorry" she said. I tried to act like I was mad at her, I wasn't going to lose my pride over a stupid thing like this.  
"Sean..come on..i'm apologizing. Won't you at least talk to me?"  
"I don't understand why you can't tell me" I replied.  
"I don't want to talk about it. It's over, can't we move on?" I gave her one of those 'yeah right' looks. And for a couple of minutes she was quiet.  
"Fuck, Ellie! What is _so _bad that you can't tell me? If you can't talk to me about this, then who can you talk to? What is _so_ horrible that you won't talk about it? Did he rape you or something?"  
As soon as I said that last sentance she started crying, and I realized that I had made the biggest mistake in the world.  
"Oh my god...Ellie...i'm so sorry" she ran outside. I was being such an asshole to her. I ran outside to find her.  
**  
Ellie's POV**

He knows! I can't believe he knows! He's going to think that i'm such a slut. _I_ don't even know what to think about myself. I was walking by myself when a familar voice sent chills down my spine.  
"So, back for more? I knew you would".  
He pushed me against the wall. _Fuck, I can't believe that this is happening again! All the nightmares, all over again!_ I thought. He grabbed my wrists so hard that it hurt. All I can remember thinking is "_please..not again_".

**Sean's POV**

I finally walked to the alley, the same place I found her, with him. He was going to hurt her again, but this time I wasn't going to just stand around and watch.  
"Hey! What do you think your doing?" I took him off her and pushed him into the wall.  
"Listen to me, you don't ever touch her again. Ever. Or your going to have to deal with me. Got it?" I swear, I would have kicked his ass if Ellie hadn't stopped me.  
I turned back to Ellie who was holding her wrist.  
"Let me see" I said. She showed me and her wrists were bright red. But something even worse, I saw the beginning of many red cuts along her arm. I pulled up her sleve but she pulled away.  
"You told me you weren't going to cut yourself anymore" I said sternly. She collapsed on her knees and just started crying. I realized that what she needed now is someone who would support her. Not tell her that cutting is good, but not to scream at her for doing it. Not right now, at least. She really doesn't have anyone in the world who would care about her like that. If her mom was such a great mother, she would have realized that Ellie was cutting again. And she needed someone or else she would break down. Someone that would give a fuck about what happens to her. Someone strong that she could depend on.  
And I was going to be that someone.


	7. Unsaid Words

**A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in such a long time! I'm grounded off the computer and I'm using the school computer to do these chapters. So to make up for it, I got 3 new chapter that I'm pretty sure you'll love! So please keep reviewing and enjoy!**

**Sean's POV**

I didn't talk to her for a couple of days. I guess I thought she needed some time to herself. We weren't even going out, but I didn't want to take a chance. I know I love her, I really do. I just don't know if she loves me back.

She came by my locker on her way to lunch.

"Hi." she said.

"Hey. How are you?"

"I'm better, thanks." And she did something amazing. She kissed me.

"What was that for?" I asked.

"Because you saved me the other night." She smiled.

**Ellie's POV**

I don't think of Sean as my boyfriend. Well, yet anyways. I know I love him, but there's a part of me deep down that is still scared that he might break my heart again. Even though we kissed. I feel like he's more my friend, then my boyfriend. Like Marco. Wow, I haven't talked to Marco in a while. He's still in Africa, but I don't know when he's coming back.

I got up and dialed his number. No answer. He never picks up his phone, anyways, so I went to do my math homework. Just as I was about to start, the phone rang. I hope hoping it was Marco, or better yet, Sean. But it was neither.

"Hey Ellie." a familiar voice said.

"Ash, hey!"

"I haven't talked to you in a while."

"Yeah, I know. Things have been pretty busy."

"Are you okay?"

"What?" I said.

"Well, Sean told me that, that night you fell on your way home or something."

"Oh…right. Yeah, I'm fine."

"Well anyways, update me. How are things with him?"

"Good, I guess."

"Good, I guess? I don't think so. Spill Nash." She said.

"Well, we talked that night. A lot of talking. I think we're cool now, but we aren't back together."

"Ok, good luck with that."

"Thanks, but I have to go. Major math homework."

"I'll see you tomorrow, bye."

"See ya." I said hanging up.

Fell? It must have been the same night that I stayed over Sean's. Had he told anyone else? I didn't specifically tell him not to, but this isn't exactly something you would tell anyone.

Things like this can make or break a person.

I couldn't sleep that night. I really hadn't slept any night after what happened. I kept having nightmares. I was up until 3:24 in the morning when I decided to call Sean. Yeah, it was late, but I needed to know.

"Hello?" I could tell I had woken him up.

"You didn't tell anyone, did you?"

"Ellie?...Do you know what time it is?"

"Just tell me."

"No, I didn't. Except, Ashley called that night because she was worried, and you were already asleep so I just told her that you fell on your way home and that's why you were late."

"Thank you."

"El, I think you should tell someone."

"No…it's not a big deal. I'm over it."

"It's against the law. That person can go to jail."

"I don't care." I said.

"Well, then why don't you talk to Paige?"

"Are you kidding me? Paige cant keep her mouth shut. I don't want the whole school to think that I'm a slut or that I'm easy. And I don't want people to think that your girlfriend is a whore-"

He stayed quiet. I couldn't believe what I had said. It just came out, like I was so used to it. We're not back together. I quickly hung up the phone. How would I ever face him again?

**Sean's POV**

_Wow,_ I thought, _I can't believe she said that._ Does it mean she wants to get back together? I really hope so.

I tried calling her back, but she wouldn't pick up. Plus, it was almost 4am. I went back to sleep. I'd see her at school today anyways.

During Media Immersion, I talked to someone I hadn't talked to in a while.

"Hey Sean."

"Oh, hey Emma."

"So your back? What happened?"

"Parent developed their old habits, I guess. They were always drunk."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"Thanks…Emma, I just want you to know that I meant everything I said on the beach. I want us to be friends."

She smiled. I always thought that Emma was a pretty girl. But there's a difference, Emma may be pretty, but Ellie is beautiful.

I saw Ellie walking to class and tried to talk to her.

"Hey El." I said. She didn't even look at me. "Ellie, please just talk to me." She turned around. "Okay, are you mad at me or something?"

"No, I'm not mad at you."

"I want us to get back together, but you're the one who has to let me know…do you want to get back together?" She turned around and I felt like my heart sank into my stomach.

"Oh…you don't want to get back together." I said.

"No! It's not that…it's just that…" She turned around and I could tell that she was going to cry.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"You have to promise me something."

"Okay, what?"

"You have to promise me that you'll never do what you did again. You have to promise that you'll never leave me like you did. Sean, you have to promise me that. That you'll never hurt me that much again."

Fuck, I had really messed up by leaving her. I took her hand.

"I promise."


	8. Up Too Late

**A/N- Yay 2 reviews! Well just to clear things up… in this story, Ash never left for London. Basically, it ends when season 4 ends, Ash dumps Craig. but she didn't leave. So yeah, its confusing. But I hope you get it..and I think you'll like this chapter- Sorry that it's so short. But the next chapter is really long and a lot of things happen.. so keep reviewing!**

**Ellie's POV**

Everything's really starting to go back the way it was before Sean left. And actually, I'm happier. We've been getting really close lately. We hang out like we used to, and we talk like we used to.

One night I went to his house to help him study for math. It was going great, until we fell asleep.

I felt someone gently shaking me.

"Ellie…Ellie wake up."

"What time is it?" I asked.

"A quarter to 2."

"What!"

"Yeah, get up." he said. I quickly gathered my books and he went to get a hat.

"Ready?" he asked.

"Yeah."

**Sean's POV**

The weather was really nice outside. I hate winter, but it felt really warm. _I hope it snows_ _more,_ I thought, _maybe we'll get a day off from school._ It was already snowing, but it wasn't hard enough to cancel school.

I was walking when I felt a snowball hit my back. I looked behind me to see Ellie laughing. I turned around and tickled her playfully.

"Hey! I don't think you want to mess with me." I said.

Yeah, it was 2 am and we were having a snowball fight in the middle of the street. What other girlfriend would do that with you?

**Ellie's POV**

I tried to be really quiet coming in. It was almost 3am- 5 hours past my curfew. Maybe we had a little too much fun. But when I came in, I didn't wake my mom, because she already was awake.

"Eleanor…"

"Mom, I'm so sor-are you drunk?"

"No..no, I just had a couple…of drinks..I don't know..maybe."

"I'm not staying with you. I trusted you. You went to rehab. Why would you do this again? You told me you quit… I'm leaving."

I went to my room and called someone I knew would understand me no matter what.

"Uh..hello?"

"Ash..I need a favor." I said

"El, it 3 in the morning. What kind of favor could you possibly need?"

"I need to stay with you for a couple of days."

"What's wrong?"

"My mom's drinking again…I'm not staying here."

"Ellie…I'm sorry."

"It's ok."

"Ok, well, uh, I'll pick you up. Be ready, I'll be there in 5 minutes."

"Thanks Ash."

"See ya."

I packed up some of my clothes and other stuff I needed. I walked out of my room to see my drunk mom passed out on the couch. She would wake up soon, then realize what a horrible mistake she's done, drink again because she's so upset. That's why I'm not staying here. The same thing happened when I was 11. She didn't want my dad to leave, so she got drunk. And when she realized that she wasn't a good mother, she got drunk again. I slipped out the door and sat on the front steps of my house. _I hate being alone at night,_ I thought. But a couple of minutes later, Ashley showed up.

"Hey." She said.

"Hi. Ash, thanks so much. Are you sure it's okay with your mom?"

"El, your always welcome at my house. It'll be fun."

We got back to her house and quietly snuck in, hoping not to wake anyone. I unrolled my sleeping bag. _There's no way I'm gonna be able to sleep tonight,_ I thought.

"Well, good night Ellie." She said.

"Good night."


	9. Broken Promises

**A/N- Yes..hope you like this chapter..its really dramatic..keep reviewing and thanks soo much for the reviews! I'm soo happy! Enjoy!**

_Just stay where I could see you._

_Douse the lights._

_We sure are in for a show tonight._

_-Panic! At The Disco_

**Ellie's POV**

We woke up 2 hours later. I really didn't want to go to school. I hadn't even slept, I just stayed awake, thinking about everything. Plus, I was going to wear a skirt, but it's way too cold. Yeah, I know. Me – Ellie Nash – wanting to wear a skirt. I really liked this one though, so I just wore it with jeans underneath.

I'm really glad that Ashley's house is so close to the school. It must have been like 2 degrees outside. If I had walked for 2 more minutes, I would have turned into an ice cube.

Sean came up to me when I was at my locker.

"Hey, where were you? I called this morning, but no one picked up. You forgot this at my house." He handed me my chemistry book. I threw it in my locker, over the pile of books and lunches and binders that was starting to build up.

"Thanks. And about that, I'm not staying with my mom anymore." There was a puzzled look on his face.

"Well, after you left, my mom wanted me to move back with her. I didn't want to, but she promised me that she wouldn't drink anymore. But last night I came home and I saw my same old mom. It's like she didn't even care. So I'm staying with Ashley for a couple of days." I said

"And after that?"

"What?"

"After the 'couple of days'?"

"Oh… I don't know." I replied.

"El… you know you could move back in with me…"

Move back in with him? I don't know. I mean, I love him, I really do. But moving in?

"Sean…I don't know." The bell rang. "I have to go." I said. I turned around to walk but he grabbed my hand.

"I promised." He said. I kissed him.

"I'll see you later."

I walked home with Ash. It was pretty cool to have someone to talk to. Like a sister. I've always wanted a sister. I haven't talk to Marco in a long, long time. But that's just because he's coming back from his trip to Africa in January.

"Ash…do you think it's a bad idea for me to move back in with Sean?"

"Well, do you love him?" she asked.

"Yeah, a lot."

"Then what's the problem?"

"I don't know…"

"Ellie, what's been with you lately? You seem kinda off."

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah… I'm just… tired."

We basically got home and collapsed on the couch. Neither of us had slept the night before. I still couldn't sleep. I could never sleep during the day. I don't know why. I tried to, but I couldn't so I just decided to write in my journal. I've kept it since grade 9 – when I started cutting. Ms. Sauvé said it would be good for me to express my feelings. I don't know about that…I just like it because it's an outlet for me. You wouldn't believe how many entries I've written about my mom and Sean and practically everything.

_I think I've figured it out. The reason I'm afraid to move in with him is because I feel like the closer I get to him, the more things are gonna go back the way they used to be, and I'm gonna lose him again. I guess you could say that the shooting messed up everyone. Paige, Hazel, Craig. But I never thought that it would mess me up. I don't even know what to think anymore. I feel like I'm going to break down soon. Everyone's noticed it. I just need sometime with nothing to worry about. No school, no stress. Just some time to myself._

As soon as I finished writing, Ashley woke up.

"Hey El, what are you doing?"

"Just journaling." I replied.

"Oh that's cool. Listen, I was thinking…maybe we should go up to Montreal this weekend since we don't have school on Monday. I sure know that_ I_ need a vacation. It'll be fun. Just like back in grade nine." That's why she's my best friend…it's like she can read my mind sometimes.

I laughed. "Ash…do you remember what happened _last_ time we went to Montreal?"

"Haha…hey, you better be careful of what Sean does this weekend." I laughed again. This was perfect. A weekend with my best friend was _definitely_ what I needed.

**Sean's POV**

I was having the worst possible day ever. First, I come in late because I oversleep, then some shrink takes me out of class to talk to me about why I came back to T.O., some crap about me returning to find my old feelings, people _still_ staring at me when I walk down the hallway. You figure they'd get over it after the first week, but it's been 3 freaking months.

All I wanted was to go home, but it was only 4th period. She came to my locker on my way to Media Immersion.

"Hey" she said.

"Hey." Great, this is the last thing I need, me screwing up our relationship because i'm pissed.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing…it's just been a crappy day."

"Sorry" She said and she kissed me. I could tell she had to go, but I wanted to stay there forever.

"Sean…I have to go" she laughed.

"What are you doing on Saturday?"

"Uh, me and Ashley are thinking about going to Montreal this weekend."

"Great…" I said.

"Sean…I'm coming back on Monday. I just need some time to get away for a while. I've been so stressed lately, I need some time to relax. I promise, I'll come over on Monday…and maybe we could relax too." She said with a smirk.

Boy, I can't wait until Monday. Well, no, it's not like that. I don't think about sex all the time. Okay, more like 95 of the time. But I'm a guy…what else am I supposed to think about?

What _was_ I going to do this weekend? I wasn't exactly friends with everyone. God knows where Jay is. I heard he got kicked out, but I don't know what he's doing now. Probably in some jail downtown. I wasn't even paying attention when I felt someone tap my shoulder. It was Emma.

"Hey, I was thinking, if you wanted to hang out with me, Manny, and Craig this weekend. I'm babysitting on Saturday and Sunday, so is Monday good?" she asked.

"Uh, it depends. What time?"

"Around 2…is that okay?"

"Yeah, sure. Thanks."

"No problem. We're probably just going to the dot or something, but I'll call you later."

"Ok." I said.

Mr. Simpson started talking when it hit me. _Sean, you have a girlfriend, and you just practically made a date with Emma_. No, it's just friends hanging out. Craig and Manny will be there too. Seriously, sometimes I feel like there are two sides in my head, arguing all the time. But it's just friends hanging out, right? Given the fact that Craig and Manny will probably ditch us to go makeout somewhere. So it'll just be me and Emma. But we're friends. Me and Emma are over. I have a girlfriend that I love a lot.

All I know is that I spent my Saturday at home watching TV. The whole day. Yeah, I'm pretty pathetic. Sunday was the same, except I went to do some food shopping for the week. When I cam back home, Emma had left a message.

"Hey, well tomorrow we're going to meet at the dot around 2ish…so see ya tomorrow."

That would work out; Ellie said she was coming back in the evening, so it was enough time.

Monday I got up, took a shower, ate and got ready. By the time I was done, it was already 2 o'clock, so I just walked out of the house. The dot wasn't too far away. When I got there, no one was there, so I just got a table and waited for everyone to come. I saw Spinner, but I didn't even look his way. I can't believe that they let him back into the school. What he did, there's no excuse for it. None.

Craig and Manny showed up first. I hadn't talked to either of them in a while so it was cool to catch up with them. Emma came in 10 minutes later.

"Sorry guys, mom was late at the salon, so I had to babysit."

Lucky us, Spinner was going to take our orders. Craig didn't even look at him, Emma ignored him, Manny looked kinda upset, and I didn't even care. After a while, he got the hint and we got another waiter.

It was actually pretty fun. I hadn't realized how long it had been since I left. And how much they've all changed. Craig and Manny left early, so me and Emma walked home. Her house is just a couple of blocks down from my apartment.

"Wow…its cold outside." she said.

"Um, do you want to come in?"

"Sure" she said stepping inside.

I turned on the lights and took off my jacket. Emma sat on the couch and just looked around.

"Yeah, I know, it's a mess here" I said.

"Haha, no it's not that, it's changed. Something's different. I don't know."

I sat on the couch next to her and I saw her looking at a picture of me and Ellie on the table.

"So, do you wanna watch a movie or something?" I asked.

"I don't care."

She moved closer to me. I just continued looking for something good to watch on TV, when she took the remote out of my hand and turned of the TV. I looked into her eyes and she leaned in and kissed me. I pulled away.

"Emma, I can't do this. I have a girlfriend."

"I can keep a secret."

She kissed me again. I _really_ didn't want to kiss her. My heart sank into my stomach when I saw Ellie standing at the doorway.

"Nice to know you missed me." she said and left. I ran after her.  
"Ellie…Ellie. Please, wait."

"Sean, I don't even want to talk about it. It's over, we're over."

"Can you just listen to me?" I said. She turned around.

"I didn't want to kiss Emma, she kissed me. I didn't even want to."

"It takes two people to kiss. If you didn't want to then you shouldn't have done it."

"I'm sorry." I replied.

"I don't care. You promised me. You're breaking a promise. Why the hell would you do that to me?"

I tried to hug her but she just pulled away.  
"Like I said, its over." and she walked away. _Way to go, asshole,_ I thought.

I went back to my house and Emma was still sitting on my couch.

"What the fuck is your problem? You know I'm with Ellie!" I said.

"Oh, come on, Sean. You don't need her."

"Yeah, actually, I do. Get out of here, Emma. I guess after being friends with Manny, some of her traits start to rub off on you." She left and I could tell she was pissed at what I said. _Screw her, you breaking up everything you had with Ellie_, I thought. I was so mad that I think I could have killed somebody. Or made them deaf in one ear. Ha ha.

I tried calling Ellie's phone but she wouldn't pick up. I don't blame her. I mean, I _did_ kiss my ex-girlfriend almost in front of her. If I saw her kissing someone else, I'd be pretty pissed too. But the least she could do is listen to what really happened. I didn't want to kiss Emma. I don't even like her, but I don't think Ellie's ever going to talk to me again.

**Ellie's POV**

I walked into Ashley's house crying. I knew one solution. One solution to all life's problems. I paced around the room a little bit, figuring out if I should do it or not. But at the end, I went into my backpack and took out a black cd case. I walked into Ashley's bathroom. Staying here all this time, I had never been in Ash's bathroom. But Ash and her mom had gone out that night, thinking that I would still be over Sean's. They'd be back and second. I pulled out a silver blade and looked at it for a while. I didn't want to do it, but I realized it's what I need. I pulled it across my arm and all the stress left my mind as I pulled it more. I could hear Ash calling my name, but I wasn't even paying attention. It was like I was conscious and unconscious at the same time.

"Ellie! What are you doing?" Ash said.

"Please, it's what I need."

"It's not what you need. You may think that, but its not. You're hurting yourself. Why are you doing this?" She said as she put away my cd case.

"He, he was with her."

"Who?"

"Sean and Emma."

"I'll kick his ass." I just cried harder. It's like I had no control to stop myself from crying. I couldn't face the fact that he was with Emma. After all this, he was with her.

"Okay, I'm gonna talk to him. You, take this." she said and handed me a rubber band.

"Thanks Ash." I hugged her.

"Your welcome, now come out of here."

I got up and looked at myself in the mirror and I looked horrible. I started washing off my arm while Ashley was calling him. _I'll just stay in the bathroom_, I thought, _I don't even want to hear his voice_. But Ash called me to come out of the bathroom. I walked out the bathroom and sat on her bed. The good this is that she knows exactly how I feel.

**Ashley's POV**

I can't believe that Sean would do that to her. I thought he really loved her. I know that she sure loves him.

I remember how I felt when I saw Manny with that bracelet on her wrist that I had found in Craig's garage. And I remember how I felt when Manny told me that Craig wanted to move on, while we were still together. I felt like I wanted to die. Like I wanted to kill Craig and anyone who was like him. I didn't think Sean was like that, though.

I dialed his number and waited for him to pick up.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hey Sean, its Ashley."

"Ashley…is she okay?"

"Uh, not really. What happened?" I asked.

"Okay, well today I hung out with Craig and Manny and Emma. And later Craig and Manny went home, so Emma walked over to my house. She came inside, I was trying to find something to watch on TV and she kissed me. I didn't even want to kiss Emma. I told that I had a girlfriend, but she didn't really care. I would never hurt Ellie, I care about her. But she hates me."

"Okay, well at least you didn't want to kiss Emma…you didn't, right?"

"Of course I didn't want to."

"You know what, I'm gonna put you on speaker phone. Is that okay?"

"I doubt that she wants to talk to me, but yeah whatever, it's fine." He replied.

I got up and put the cordless on the machine and pressed the speaker button.

Ellie mouthed 'I don't want to talk to him.'

"Okay now Sean, tell Ellie what you just told me."

"I didn't want to kiss Emma." Everyone was silent for a while.

"Ellie, come on. You have to talk to him sometime." I said.

"I'm sorry, El. It was stupid of me to do. But please, just talk to me."

"Fine, go ahead. It's not going to change what I think of you." She said.

"Well, what do you think of me?"

"That you're a lying asshole.

"I guess I deserved that. But I really didn't want to kiss her."

"But you did." She replied.

"Ellie, you don't understand. Who do I have in my life that I can depend on? Not my parents, and I don't have millions of friends that I can count on either. That leaves you. And I wouldn't give that up for the world. So why would I ruin that trust between us?"

"But there's a difference. You and Emma have history. I wouldn't care as much if it was Manny or something."

"I don't like her. What can't you understand that?"

"Ok, I understand that you don't like her. But you still kissed her. You could have stopped, but you didn't." she said.

"Ellie, what's wrong with you? What happened to the Ellie that I used to be able to talk to? The Ellie that understood me?"

She walked up to the phone and picked up cordless.

"You want to know what happened, Sean? That Ellie left the same day you did. That Ellie realized that you weren't coming back, as much as she cared about. That Ellie was heartbroken and she's not coming back."

**Ellie's POV**

I can't take much more of this anymore. Sooner or later I'm going to break down. The fact that I've only gotten 10 hours of sleep this week and that I have midterms coming up just makes everything worse. All I wanted to do is just go somewhere and never have to worry about all this. Away from my mom, Sean, school and everything else. I just kept snapping my rubber band.

Ash came and sat next to me.

"Come on, El. Cheer up. He's an asshole, you don't need him."

But I _do_ need him. I haven't cut myself since he came back, only that one time. Only that one time did I feel like I needed to cut myself to make the pain go away. And now this time. Facing the fact that I'm this close to loosing him. I've come up with a conclusion.

_I need him._


	10. Trains and Commitments

**A/N: Okay, well I hoped you liked the last chapter..and I hope you like this one too! Sorry its so late! Yeah, I'm like ranting about how much guys suck in this chapter because I just broke up with my boyfriend, so yeah. Oh, and don't ask why the name of this chapter is so weird. I just thought of something off the top of my head. Thanks for the reviews! They made me really happy to know you guys liked my story. Well keep reviewing and enjoy!**

**Merry Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanza/any thing else you celebrate!**

**Crashetburn- Okay, if you read my bio, you would see that I hate Sean and Emma together. Emma obviously still likes Sean a lot, and just because she kissed him doesn't make her a slut. She doesn't dress like a slut, and her boobs have nothing to do with it. And it's my story. I'm not trying to be mean, but maybe you should write your own story instead of criticizing other peoples'. **

_I know we just got here, _

_But I think its time to go._

_I didn't want to believe it,_

_But now I know._

_-Plain White T's_

**Sean's POV**

This is going no where. If we can't handle a simple fight, how are we going to get through the rest of our lives? It's not even about the fact that I cheated on her, it's about the fact that she's not the same person anymore. I feel like I can't even talk to her anymore. Even before I told her that I was staying in Wasaga, we had an argument on the beach. I love her so much, but if we can't work this out, then I guess it really is over.

I haven't talked to her in 2 weeks, she's still mad at me. I said sorry, I told her that I didn't want to kiss Emma, what else am I supposed to do? I'm starting to think that I shouldn't have even come back here. I should have stayed in Wasaga beach.

Friday I came home from school and decided to walk to the park to clear my head. There's always a lot of people on Fridays. But it's mostly moms and their kids. I sat down on one of the benches and looked at same place me and Ellie would always come. I remember the night that she came over to my house, when her mom had almost lit the whole house on fire; we took a walk out here. I felt like I could tell her anything and that she would understand exactly what I meant. Like I could explain my whole life out for her and she would know what I meant. Now, I don't even know.

I was just thinking when I heard my cell phone ring. I took it out of my pocket and looked at the caller id. It was her. I didn't want to fight, so I didn't pick up. I just let it go on voicemail.

After a couple of hours just sitting there and thinking, I walked home. It was almost 8:30. I came home and the red button on my answering machine was blinking. I pressed it and took off my jacket. The first message was Ellie.

"Sean…we need to talk. We really need to talk. Please, call me back."

I just left it. I don't know why, lately I just want to be alone. I don't want anyone to bother me, and I don't want anything to do with anyone else. I was in no mood to fight tonight. The second message was pretty shocking, actually.

"Sean…its dad. Um, I don't know how to tell you this. Call me when you get back."

Wow, was he actually sober? I hadn't talked to either of my parents since I had told them about me going back here. I decided to call him back. _I doubt he has anything good to say anyways_, I thought. Boy, was I wrong.

"Hello?"

"Dad, it's Sean."

"Sean..."

"What's up?" I asked.

"I don't know how to say this, kiddo…Your mother passed away this weekend."

I was quiet for a few seconds, trying to comprehend what he had just told me.

"Don't joke with me, dad."

"I'm not joking. I'm sorry." he replied.

"Don't…don't mess with me about that stuff."

"I'm not, I'm so sorry, Sean."

I couldn't accept that fact. It just didn't make any sense to me. That the lady I saw only a couple of months ago would never come back. The lady who had sent me to Toronto for my own good, I would never see her again. I immediately felt horrible about leaving. It's crazy- when I go to Wasaga, I feel bad about leaving Toronto…when I go to Toronto, I feel bad about leaving Wasaga.

"Does Tracker know?" I asked.

"Yeah, I called him."

"Ok. If I leave right now, i'll get there late. So, i'll leave tomorrow afternoon. I'll be there around 1 or 2."

"Sure. Sean, be careful."

"I will." I replied.

"I love you kiddo."

"You too."

I hung up the phone and got my backpack. I put a few shirts, pants, and hats that I was going to take. I looked at the calendar on the wall and I saw a circle around the number 15. _Today's the 12th_, I thought. My student welfare check would be coming in the mail on the 15th. I couldn't leave it in my mailbox. Who would take it for me?

I knew one person.

I got up and dialed her number. I know it was a big favor, considering what we were going through. But I needed someone.

"Hey" she said.

"Hi. I kinda need a favor."

"Okay…what?"

"Um, i'm going to Wasaga Beach tomorrow, and my student welfare check is coming in the mail on Friday. Can you hold it for me?" I asked.

"…you're leaving?"

"I don't know. For now, I know that i'm going away for a week. Uh..my mom passed away last weekend."

"Sean…i'm so sorry."

"No…no, it's fine. It's just that i'm losing every fucking person that ever meant anything to me."

"We could work this out later." she said.

"Do you want to come over?"

"Now?"

"Yeah. I'm leaving tomorrow…"

"Okay, well i'll see if Ash could take me. I'll see you soon."

"Bye."

**Ellie's POV**

I don't know what's going to happen tonight. I can't believe how calm he was on the phone. As much as I dislike my mom, I don't know what I would do if she died.

I put on a sweater and jeans and Ashley got her car started. At one point, I wanted to turn back and not go, but I knew Sean was counting on me. The least I could do is give him one less thing to stress about.

I got out of Ash's car and slowly walked to his door. I rang the doorbell and waited for him to answer the door.

He opened the door and I could tell this was really bothering him.

"Hey" he said.

"Hey" I came inside and sat on the couch. "How are you?"

"I don't know. I really don't know anything anymore." he sat on the couch next to me and put his head in his hands. I moved closer to him and put my arm around him.  
"I don't want to fight. I don't care who said what, and i'm sorry for what I did, but I don't want to fight tonight." he said as he lifted his head and he'd been crying. I didn't know what to say. I've never been in this kind of situation. I hugged him.

"This is all my fault. I should have never left Wasaga Beach" he said.

"It's not your fault. Sean, don't think like that. It's not your fault."

"If I hadn't come back, she wouldn't have been dead."

"You don't know that. This isn't your fault, don't blame yourself. You didn't do anything wrong" I answered.

"I must be doing _something _wrong for everything to be so screwed up like this. First, you hate me, now my mom dies. Just tell me if i'm doing something wrong because my life is falling apart."

The phone rang and neither of us wanted to get up and get it. We both knew it would be more bad news.

"Do you want me to get it?" I asked. He nodded and I got up and walked towards the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey…Ellie. It's Tracker."

"Oh, hi Tracker. Uh, Sean told me what happened. I'm really sorry."

"Thanks. Where is Sean?" he asked.

"He's right here. Do you want to talk to him?"

"Yeah." he replied. I gave the phone to Sean and he kinda gathered himself up for a second.

"Tracker…yeah…uh, tomorrow...okay…ok…no…ok, bye." He hung up. He sounded so calm, just like how he sounded talking to me. And it was only a couple of seconds ago that he was crying. I know the real him. The way he tries to sound so tough on the phone, and the way he can break down and cry in front of me. The only other time i've seen him cry is when we went to Wasaga and he told his parents what happened. I sat down on the couch.

"Okay, we need to get something straight here. I don't hate you. I could never hate you. I might say it if i'm really pissed at you, but i'll never honestly mean it."

I looked at the clock. It was 10:45. I had promised myself not to leave too late because I didn't want to call Ash really late. _God, I need to get a car_, I thought. I got up and got my jacket.

"I have to go soon" I said.

"Ellie…can you come with me tomorrow?"

"What?"

"Please…I need you to come with me to Wasaga Beach. I can't do this alone."

"Sean…I think this is more of a family thing."

"It doesn't matter. El, you're the only one that understands me. Please…"

"…Fine, i'll come." I took off my jacket and took my phone out of my pocket.

"Uh…how am I gonna get my stuff?" I asked.

"I'll take you."

I dialed Ash's number.

"Hello?"

"Hey Ash…uh, I know this kinda sudden, but i'm going to Wasaga Beach tomorrow with Sean, so i'm just gonna come over to pick up a couple of things…"

"What?"  
"Yeah."

"Why?" she asked.

"I'll tell you later."

"Okay, well i'm probably gonna be awake until like 12."

"I'll be there in 10 minutes."

"Sure…see ya."

"Bye."

I put on my jacket-once again- and walked out the door. Ashley's house is much closer then mine. It only took 5 minutes.

Ashley greeted me and Sean. I walked to Ash's room and took my backpack. Everything was already almost packed. In the corner of my eye I saw a black CD case. I didn't want to take it, but I did.

Ashley walked in and closed the door.

"So tell me…what's going on?" she asked.

"His mom died last weekend."

"Wow…how is he taking it?"

"He's trying to act tough, but I know him. He's not taking it too well." I replied.

"So, is he thinking about going back for good?"

"I don't think so. I think he's just going to be there for a week or two."

"Well, give him time. I'm sure he'll be better soon, just give him time."

"Ash…thanks for everything. You're like the best person in the world." I said.

"You're welcome."

"Ready?" Sean asked.

"Yeah." I put on my shoes and jacket. It was really cold outside.

I hugged Ashley. "Again, thanks for everything, Ash. I owe you."

I don't know what it's gonna be like tomorrow, but I know one thing. It's gonna be really awkward. I've never met either of his parents.

We were gonna leave around 12, so we'd get there around 2. I was way too nervous to sleep. Would Sean's dad like me? I only got 5 hours of sleep that night. Actually, that more sleep i've gotten for a while. I was thinking about this all night.

I remembered something and got up and looked at my pocket calendar. There was a circle around the 14th. I got dressed and put a note on the door for Sean.  
I walked a couple of blocks to the pharmacy and luckily, they were open. I picked out a few things and left.

When I got back, Sean was awake.

"Where did you go?" he asked.

"I left you a note. I had to go to the pharmacy."

"For…"

"Stuff."

"Like…"

I sighed. There's just some things that guys don't need to know about.

"Like Midol so I don't drive you crazy this weekend."

"Thank God…" he laughed and kissed the top of my head.

"So, I guess we're feeling better?"

"….Don't get your hopes up."

"Well, I also got magazines. For the train."

"Thanks. Oh, and remind me to call Craig to hold my welfare check?"

"No problem. I'll go get ready." I replied.

I really didn't have to get ready. I already had all my things already packed. I just grabbed my backpack and we left.

"Wasaga beach, train 5. Here are your tickets." The lady at the ticket booth said. We came into the train and there was hardly anyone there. It didn't surprise me. Who would want to go to the beach in the middle of December?

In the middle of the ride, I was hungry, tired, and only awake on 5 hours of sleep, so I put my head on his shoulder

At that was the first time I've slept for 3 hours straight.

When I woke up, Sean was asleep too. The conductor made an announcement that we would be there in 10 minutes, so I woke Sean up.

The train stopped and we got out. Almost instantly, Sean knew his way around everything. He knew where to go and how to get there. It was almost like second nature to him. I've lived in Toronto for almost 4 years and I still get lost.

I recognized the street and Sean's house when we got there.

**Flashback**

"I told them everything."

"Let's get you out of here."

"Ellie…look I don't know…"

"Your, your staying, aren't you. Sean, please. I, I love you."

"I love you too. But Ellie…"

"Well, when are you coming back?"

"Yo, Cameron, get in the car."

"Staying. I'm staying. Look for the first time in my life, I need to be here. With my parents. To deal."

"You sure about this?...Ok, man. See ya."

**End of flashback**

"You okay?" Sean asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

Sean walked up and knocked on the door. His dad came to the door and at first, they just kind of stared at each other. Like they were trying to reconnect. Like they were mad at each other, but they finally put their differences aside and hugged each other. I really didn't think I should come. I was only here because Sean needed me. I felt like this was more of a father-son thing.

"Uh, dad, this is my girlfriend Ellie." He said.

"Hello Ellie. Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too, Mr. Cameron."

His house wasn't too big. It was nice, though. There were a lot of pictures everywhere. I would have never guessed it to be like this. Sean's description was way off.

Sean's room was pretty empty, because he had already taken everything with him to Toronto. With the exception of a couple of pictures on the dresser. I picked them up and looked at them. There was a picture of him, Tracker, his mom and his dad. Sean was probably about 12 or 13.

"Aww, this is cute. When was this?" I asked. He took the picture out of my hand and looked at it.

"That was Tracker's birthday. We went out all day and that was the day I broke my arm."

"You broke your arm? Doing what?"

"I don't remember." He laughed.

I looked at the rest of the pictures. I guess he had left them here when he left for Toronto. There weren't any pictures of all of them together after the one of Tracker's birthday; there were pictures of Tracker and Sean, but no pictures of them all together. _That's probably when they sent him away_, I thought. And last but not least, a picture of him and Emma. I stared at it for a little while and just put all the pictures down.

He tried to change the subject. "Hey, do you want to come with me to the beach for a little while?"

"You know it's the middle of December, right? You'll like freeze to death." I replied.

"Who cares? Wear a sweater." I sighed and got a sweater out of my bag.

"Dad, we're going to the beach for a little while." he said.

"Okay. Be back soon."

"We will."

I could tell that Sean was getting really dirty looks from everyone. I guess he was known as the guy who deafened a kid in one ear. He was really trying hard not to care. It got to a point where even _I_ wanted to tell them all to shut up. They didn't know anything about him. I hate people like that.

We walked along the beach until Sean found a spot to sit, right by the boardwalk. We sat down and he put his arm around me. There was this weird silence between us for like 20 minutes.

"Every summer, we would come down here. Right here. We'd spend at least one whole day at the beach." He started to cry.

"Sean…don't cry. That's not gonna solve anything. You have to think of it like she's happier now."

"I know. But I feel guilty."

"Why? You didn't do anything wrong." I replied.

"I didn't tell them I was leaving. I just kinda packed my things and disappeared."

"Well, you don't have to live under your parents' rule. You're an adult."

"Yeah…but, I don't know."

"I don't really know what to say, Sean. I've never been in this kind of situation. I guess you just have to think about it differently-don't think about the bad times, think about the good times." I hugged him. "So don't be upset, okay?"

He nodded. "Thanks for everything."

"Your welcome." It'd been 2 hours that we had been at the beach. We just stayed there and stared at the waves crashing in and out.

After a while, he broke the silence. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" I asked.

"For leaving you…for kissing Emma…for everything I ever did."

"I don't want to fight with you, Sean. But you have no idea how much what you did hurt me. It made me feel like everything you said was a lie."

"I never would do anything to hurt you. You have to believe me when I say that. I didn't lie about those things. I love you, Ellie."

"I love you too."

Who knew 3 little words could mean so much to a person? Certainly not me.

"We should get going." He said getting up.

"Yeah."

We started to walk when I noticed a group of guys about our age staring at Sean. One of them came up to Sean, and he let go of my hand.

"Cameron, what happened, man? We thought you were gone for good."

"Yeah, uh, I'm here for a little while." He replied.

"You should hang with us before you leave."

"Whatever." Sean noticed that the guy was staring at me with one of those '… and who are you?' looks.

"Uh, Mike, this is Ellie. Ellie, this is Mike, my friend." I did something like a half-smile. The 2 other guys came up.

"So, why are you leaving?" one of them asked.

"Dude, isn't it obvious? He misses his girlfriend." The other one replied gesturing to me. _I'm not staying here_, I thought. I mean, even Jay was nicer to me.

"Uh, Sean, I'm gonna go." I told him.

"Ellie, wait…"

"No, it's fine. I'll see you later." I said, leaving. It was almost 8 o'clock at night. The same guy who said that he _had_ to take me home, even at 3 in the afternoon, let me walk home alone somewhere I didn't know at 8 at night. What a hypocrite.

I went back to Sean's house and his dad was sitting on the couch.

"Where's Sean?" he asked.

"Oh, he saw a few of his friends at the beach. I guess he's coming home later."

"Okay, well I'm going to go to sleep. You, just make yourself right at home. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

It surprises me why Sean used to hate his parents so much. His dad seems really nice. Then again, they were always drunk.

I turned on the TV. Nothing to watch-how typical. There's never anything to watch. There's never anything to _do_.

I tried going to sleep but it was only 9. I just layed down on the couch, but Sean came back a couple of minutes later.

"So…how long until you'll ever talk to me again?" I got up and headed towards Sean's room.

"Goodnight Sean."

**Sean's POV**

Well, she's talking to me at least. She didn't even seem that mad. But just in case, I slept on the couch that night. I don't even know what I did wrong. Is it my fault that my friends are jerks?

When I woke up, everyone was asleep, except Ellie. She's always awake before me. And, plus, I could hear her walking around my room. I got up and knocked on the door.

"Ellie…I need my stuff." She opened the door and gave me my bag.

"Wait…El, are you ever going to talk to me?"

"I'll talk to you. I'm not even that mad. I just don't understand why you have to be such an asshole in front of your friends." She said.

"What did I do? I told you to wait, but you just left."

"What was_ I_ supposed to do? I don't like being talked about right in front of my face."

"They don't know you."

"So that makes it right?"

"No. It doesn't. But if they get to know you, and you get to know them, they wouldn't do that. Tonight, we're going out . They invited you too. You can come if you want, it's no big deal." I told her.

"Who's going to be there?"

"The guys you met last night." I sighed.

"I don't know."

**Ellie's POV**

I went back into the room and picked up my phone. I dialed Ash's number since I had promised to call her.

"Hello?" she said.   
"Ash, hey."

"Hey Ellie! How's Wasaga?"

"Uh…okay. Ash…I think me and Sean are gonna break up soon."

"What? You guys just got back together. What happened?" she asked.

"I don't know. It's like all we do is fight more than any couple should."

"El, Craig and me used to fight constantly. You guys fight so much because you're so alike."

"Yeah, but I don't know. I feel like its just adding to a big fight that's gonna make up break up."

"Ok, I don't think you should break up with him. I mean, it's your choice. But you guys are so perfect for each other. I'm just saying, if you really want to break it off, just think about it."

"Ok."

"All right, now my mom is making me take Toby to some dumb anime convention or something so I have to go."

"See ya later, Ash."

"Bye."

I hung up. Should I really break up with him? I love him, but sometimes I feel like all we do is argue. Something has to be done about this.

"I'll come with you tonight." I said to Sean.

"What made you change your mind?"

"I don't know."

"Okay, well we have to be there around 6…so start getting ready…uh, now?" he said teasingly.

"Excuse me, I do not take a long to get ready."

"That's what _you_ think."

"That's because all you have to do is just put clothes on. I have to do my hair, makeup and pick out something to wear."

"Yeah, and it takes out more than 5 hours." he said. I rolled my eyes. Okay, maybe I do take a while to get ready. But I don't take_ that_ long.

Sean's friend picked us up. I still didn't know anyone, so I didn't say anything to either of them. I really think that Sean becomes a different totally different person when he's with his friends. He turns into this person that I don't even know.

We got to a club and got a table. I recognized one of the guys from the beach, and Sean introduced me to the others. I didn't care that much, I just wanted to get the night over with.

I guess I kinda felt left out of everything. I shouldn't have gone. It was like I didn't know anyone except for Sean and he was too busy talking to his friends. And, okay, maybe I was a little jealous. But I just didn't know what to do.

"Uh, Sean, I'm going to go to the bathroom" I told him.

"Ok."

I got up and started walking when I saw 2 of Sean's friends sitting at a different table by the bar. But the worst thing is what they were saying about me.

"Dude…did you see Sean's girl? He's pretty stupid, moving all the way back to Toronto just for her. What a waste of time. Unless she's easy or something, I don't get why he would go back."

"I guess so. You can kind of tell she's a whore."

And I didn't listen to the rest. I was about to explode. These people don't know me, they don't know anything about me, and already were judging me. I wanted to go home, I wanted to leave Wasaga Beach. Basically, there's no way to describe how I felt.

**Sean's POV**

I was actually having a pretty good time. It was definitely what I needed to get my mind off of everything that's been happening. But that all changed when Ellie came back and she'd been crying.

"Let's go home" She sobbed.  
"El, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, I just want to go home."

I took her hand and took her outside, away from all the loud music and people.

"Okay, now what happened?" I didn't want to upset her. I didn't want to make her cry even more. I know that Ellie's a strong girl, and even though it doesn't seem like it, it takes a lot for her to cry.

"I don't know…those guys were talking about me. It's no big deal."

"Who?" I asked.

"Your friends."

"What did they say?"

"They don't think that you should have come back to Toronto, and you only did because I'm a whore or something like that."

I didn't know what to say. All I knew was that someone was going to get their ass kicked tonight.

"Okay, show me who said that."

"No…Sean, don't."

"I just want to know."

"Those guys by the bar." She replied. I walked inside and found who Ellie had been talking about.

"Hey buddy, let's have a chat outside." I told him. He was sort of drunk, but still at the point where he knew what he was doing.

"What's up?" he asked.

"I'll tell you what's up. You made a girl fucking cry because you had to be an asshole tonight. You don't know anything about her, so you have no fucking right to talk about her like that. You don't talk about her or about any other girl like that. And if you, I swear I will beat the crap out of you because you have no idea how much that girl means to me. You don't even _think_ about anything like that because you don't know crap about her. Man, it's not a fucking mystery why don't get dates."

Maybe I took it too far, since it took 3 guys to get me off of him. I guess he got the message.

"You told me you wouldn't…" she said.

"I was pissed. No one should talk about you like that. Especially when they don't know anything about you."

"People who don't even know I was raped know that I'm easy." She muttered.

"That's not true."

"Yes it is."

"Ellie…"

"Forget it. Forget I ever said anything."

"We're going home." I said. We started walking when Mike caught up with us.

"Cameron…where are you going? It's your party, man." He said.

"Yeah? And you could thank Jake for making this night so great."

"What the hell happened?"

"Ask him. I'm out of here."

**Preview for Next Chapter**

_Ellie turned around. "What are we going to do?" she asked, worried._

_"Um, dude, I know it's none of my business, but are you aware that you just made the biggest fucking mistake in your whole life?"_


	11. Silence

**A/N- Come on guys...2 reviews? You guys can do much better! I have this plot thing comming up and if you dont review then ill think that you guys didnt like my story. So pleaseeee review! Thanks!**

_Stop right there, _

_That's exactly where I lost it._

_See that line?_

_Well, I never should have crossed it._

- Reliant K, Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

**Sean's POV**

We walked home in silence. I didn't know what to say and neither did she. But she was really upset at what had happened. I had to do something to break the silence.

"I'm sorry. He shouldn't have said that." I said.

"It's not your fault."

"El, I think you should talk to someone about what happened. I know it's hard, but you have to tell _someone_. That guy can't get away with doing that to you. He's gonna go to jail."

"You don't understand. People are going to think that i'm a whore."

"Who's going to tell them?"

"They have ways of finding out."

"Paige got raped...do people think she's a whore?" I asked.

"That's different."

"How?"

"I don't know..."

We got home and it was so quiet, that you could hear a pin drop. My dad was already asleep. I came into the living room and turned on the lamp, just to be greeted by empty vodka bottles. She saw them too. _He wouldn't...,_ I thought. I knew comming back here was a bad idea. I knew that he couldn't keep sober, as hard as he tried, he couldn't do it. I can't believe I had actually trusted him. I can't believe I had actually thought that he had changed.

"Ellie, we're leaving." I said, angrily.

"Sean, give him a chance. Maybe it's not what you think."

"What I think is that there weren't any bottles here yesterday. And now there are. Need more proof?" She went into the bedroom and got her bag and I got mine.

"Are there gonna be any trains right now?" she asked.

"There probbably is."

And we left. Just like that.

The ticket booth worker was just closing up as soon as we got to the train station.

"Come on, you have to be kidding me."

"Sorry kids, last train left 5 minutes ago." he said.

Ellie turned around. "What are we gonna do?" she said, worried.

"I don't know." I looked through my cell phone for someone to call when I reached the m's.

"El..." I said, showing her the name I had highlighted.

"No, way."

"Come on!"

"Are you kidding me? I can't stay at his house! I don't even know him!"

"Do you have any other ideas?" I said. "...unless you plan on spending the night at the train station. He has a fold-out bed in his basement." I knew that spending the night at Mike's was the last place she wanted to be, but when I left my dad's house, I didn't plan on comming back. She didn't exactly say yes, either. But I could tell by the expression on her face that she'd agreed to come. I called Mike and told him about my dad, and the train station. Actually, he's one of the only guys that I could actually relate to because his parents divorced when he was 3 and he's had a pretty rough life.

"Sure, you guys could stay here." he said.

"Thanks. See you later."

"Bye."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So, dude, what happened tonight? What happened with Jake?" Mike said when we got there. Ellie went downstairs, and it was just me and him.

"He called her a whore. He doesn't have any fucking right to say anything about her. She _heard_ him call her a whore."

"Maybe she misunderstood."

"She was crying, man."

"There's something weird going on with that kid. I don't know, he just seems kind of off. Whatever, i'm tired, i'm gonna go to sleep." He went downstairs and I followed him. Ellie was putting some of her stuff away, and Mike pulled out the bed for us and started to walk away.

"Yeah, goodnight," He leaned in towards me, "and have fun, buddy" he said softly, but I knew Ellie had heard when I turned around and saw the expression on her face. The kind of i-hate-you-and-your-friends-are-assholes look.

"Ellie..look I get that your really pissed at me right now.."

"No, apparently you don't get it because this keeps happening over and over again. You don't understand how when they say stuff like, it really hurts me." she said.

"It's not like I tell them to say those things."

"Yeah, but you don't stop them from doing it either. Whatever, goodnight."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I woke up around 7 and she was still asleep. _That's a first_, I thought, _Ellie's always awake earlier than me._ I got up, got dressed, and Ellie woke up. She wasn't talking to me - go figure. We always fight. It seems like ever since I came back here, we're done nothing but fight all the time. I mean, shouldn't there be like a grace period or something between each couple? After I while, I broke the silence between us.

"Look, we need to figure this out now" I said.

"Not now, i'm not in the mood."

"No, _right now_. We need to work this out _right now_."

"Okay, what?"

"Why are we always fighting? It doesn't feel the same like it was before. We're happy, but then it's one fight, after another, after another..." I said.

"But, all couples fight, Sean."

"Not as much as we do, we don't have any time to be happy."

"Well, what do you want me to say? That i'm sorry and it's all my fault? See, this is what happens when you pile your problems on top of each other and don't talk about it. They keep piling up until one day, this happens."

"I don't want you to say sorry, I want you to find a way we can work us out."

"All couples fight, Sean!"

"Yeah, but not as much as we do! We're even fighting right now!"

"Do you even remember how much Craig and Ashley would fight? Ashley would call me in the middle of the night, crying, because she used to fight so much with Craig."

"But it's not supposed to be like this..."

"I think your overreacting" she said.

"I think your just pmsing."

"I think your being an asshole. I'm starting to really get sick of this..."

"Well, you wanna know something? I'm starting to get really sick of you." There's probbably no expression for the look on her face. She looked like she was either going to burst out crying, or burst out screaming at me. It was actually something I did without thinking about anything. Sometimes I say things without even thinking about it. Like this time, I didn't even think about it as us breaking up. I didn't think that saying that meant that we wouldn't be together anymore.

"...you want to break up? After all this?" I didn't exactly say yes, but by the look on my face, she knew I was serious. She ran out, crying. I was mad, I don't know if I was more mad at myself, or more mad at her. Mike was comming downstair, right when Ellie was running out.

"Whoa, uh...good morning?" he said.

"Don't talk to me right now, man."

"What's going on?"

"I broke up with her."

"Um, dude, I know it's none of my business, but are you aware that you've just made the biggest fucking mistake in your whole life?"

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"I know you. Your being stupid, stubborn Sean Cameron. I know you love that girl and breaking up with her is the worst thing you could do."

"How do you know I love her?"

"Come on, man. Half the freaking world knows you love her. Tell me you didn't go back to Toronto for her. Tell me you didn't beat the crap outta Jake because you love her and you didn't want to see her upset. Go after her."

"What! No way..."

"Dude, get your ass up and go after her. I swear, you'll thank me later. This may be possibly the best advice i'm ever gonna give you." He was right. I couldn't afford to lose her. I couldn't think of my life without Ellie. I got up and started looking for her - she was no where to be found. I looked outside and she was sitting against the wall, still crying. I didn't know how to approach her, should I apologize? Should I be angry? Should I just talk to her?

"El..we need to talk." I said, finally.

"Aren't we over?"  
"Come on, be fair."

"Fine, sit, get confortable because we have a lot to talk about." And we talked for hours just there, sitting on the ground. But it wasn't like I was talking to anyone, I was talking to someone who totally understood me. If I told her 2 + 2 5, she'd believe me. That's probbably why I love her so much. Because she could understand me better than anyone else.


	12. Bright Lights

**A/N: Come on guys! Please review! Seriously, i'm gonna stop writing this if no one reviews so please review!**

**Sean's POV**

We talked for hours. And what did I get out of talking for 2 hours? She agreed to move back in. I can't even start to explain how happy I was. It was a step to getting her to trust me again. I couldn't screw it up this time, not after all we'd been through.

We left for good that time. I never wanted to come back. I think going back to Toronto was the best decision I ever made. In two ways. Not staying in Wasaga, and being with Ellie. I don't know what my life would have been like without her. She helped me through so many things, so many hard times in my life. If it wasn't for her, I might have not been where I am today.

We got on the train, and I was actually happy to be leaving. Wasaga Beach just brought back memories, too many memories. We were hoping that someway, somehow, we'd get home quicker. She wanted to leave, so did I.

**Ellie's POV**

Less than 5 days until one of the "happiest times of the year", Christmas. Christmas is when you can forget about everything and everyone. It just gets to the best of everyone. And I mean everyone. My mom doesn't even drink on Christmas.

I looked outside and you wouldn't ever think it was winter. But that's just Wasaga Beach. It's always like summer there. I can't stand living in a place like that for too long, I don't know how Sean could do it. I looked over at him and he was sleeping. He looked so upset. I know, he's trying to be strong, but how much pain can a person take before they break down? I've had my ups and downs, but they've never been like this. I mean, his mom dies, he goes back to Wasaga and it's just one disaster after another. That city is cursed.

I took out my un-updated journal, and started writing away.

_It's not like i'm jealous or anything. And I don't care about what his friends say. But when someone calls you something like that, it just hurts way too much. Granted, if they did know me, they'd never say anything like that. I hope. I mean, i'm the total opposite of a whore. Except for..what happened. But that wasn't even my fault, right? It's not like I asked that guy to rape me. He just did. He used the one strengh he had over me. No one deserves for that to happen to them. I always used to think that after Paige got raped, she was kinda asking for it. But now, i'd never think that. I don't think people understand how it feels. That's why I can't take a risk of letting anyone know. _

_-Ellie_

I realized how much i've changed since I came to Toronto. How much has changed. Seriously, it doesn't even feel like that much has happened, but now that I think about it, so much has happened. 4 years seems like a lot, but it really goes by quickly.

**Sean's POV**

I woke up and Ellie, as usual, wasn't sleeping. _Does this girl ever sleep?_, I thought.

"God, do you _ever_ sleep, El?"

"Yeah, at night, like normal people" she replied vainly.

"Sounds like your in a great mood..."

"I'm not in any mood right now." She got up and walked around in the empty train and finally sat down across from me. _Great, I just woke up 2 minutes ago and already I screwed up everything_, I thought. "Don't talk to me, I feel like crap." So I took her advice, I didn't talk to her. I didn't know what was wrong with her, but maybe it's none of my business.

The train stopped abrubtly and a low voice came out of the speaker. _Attention to all passengers, we seem to be having a minor delay, and we will be back on track soon. Thank you for riding with us, and have a nice day._ Just great, I have to spend more time on this train with a bunch of people I don't know and my girlfriend who hates the entire world right now. Could life get any better?

I took out one of the several books I had to read for english. Ellie gave me one of those glances, saying _don't talk to me_, but at the same time, practically screaming _please, talk to me_. I got up and sat next to her.

"What's wrong?" I asked her and she gave in.

"I don't know, I don't feel sick. I feel..weird."

"Um.." I said, searching through her bag to find something to make her feel better. I caught sight of a rubber band and gave it to her. "Here, take this. The last thing I need you to do right now is cut yourself."

"Thanks." She put it on and started snapping away. The train started moving again and a sigh of relief came over me.

"Oh, by the way, Ash is having a Christmas party tommorow. She invited us."

"Okay, whos gonna be there?"

"Me, you, um, Craig and Manny, Jimmy, Hazel and Paige, and Darcy is comming so Spinner is too. Oh, and Emma's gonna be there, too." she said the last sentance with a kind of, untrusting, tone. I gave her a reassuring look, showing that me and Emma wouldn't do anything and I kissed the top of her head. Then it hit me, Christmas was in 5 days and I hadn't gotten Ellie anything. I wanted to get her something special, something to show that after everything i've screwed up, she could trust me again, and that I loved her. I knew that she'd been wanting this necklace for a while. It was pretty expensive, but i'd saved up some money before, and I knew it was the perfect gift.

Ellie was still sick when we got home, she went straight for the bathroom and started throwing up.

"El, are you okay?"

"Yeah, probabbly just food poisening or something."

"Okay, well go to bed. I don't wanna take a chance of you getting sick. I'll go get your things from Ashley's house." I told her.

"Thanks, I love you."

"You too."

**Ellie's POV**

It was so weird. When i'm sick, I usually feel nauseous, like I can't hold anything down. But this time was different. I don't know why. I felt fine just a couple of days ago, I don't know. I just went straight to sleep.

When I woke up, Sean was sitting on the couch watching tv.

"Hey, feeling better?" he asked.

"Kind of. Not so much."

"I got your stuff from Ash's. She said feel better, and if you need anything, just call her."

"Thanks." I replied.

"So, hungry?"

"Nope, i'm fine. I can't keep anything down anyways." I got up and said, "i'm going back to bed."

"Do you want me to call your doctor or anything, Ellie?"  
"No, i'm fine. Its just probabbly like a 24-hour flu."

"Ok." he said. I walked back into the bedroom and fell asleep.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I really wanted to go to Ash's party. I was tired of staying at home. Despite Sean's objections, I still went to get ready.

"El, your sick, I think people will understand if you dont come. Anyways, if you don't go, i'm not going to either."

"Yeah, but I feel like 10 hundred times better." he sighed and rolled his eyes. Yeah, I could be pretty stubborn at times.

We went and mostly everyone was there. I'm guessing Ash's parents were out of of town, because they'd never let her have a party like this. There were some people I recognized, but some others I didn't.

"Hey El! Are you feeling better?" she asked.

"Yeah, kinda. Thanks." I walked inside and the first person I saw was Manny and Craig. Sean and Craig started talking, and i'm not exactly best friends with Manny, so I went to find someone else I could talk to. I saw Jimmy sitting by himself, so I went to talk to him.

"Hey! What's going on?" I asked.

"Hey, Ellie. Hm, nothing really."  
"I heard that you and Hazel broke up, i'm sorry."

"Thanks. I guess we're just not meant to be." I felt really bad for him. He loved Hazel so much, and she just broke his heart.

"So, what's going on with you?"

"Nothing, everything. I don't know." We started talking for a while. I had never noticed how much of a person Jimmy was-if that makes any sense. We actually had a lot in common-he liked to draw and so did I. I don't know where Sean was this whole time, I just realized that he was with Craig or something.

After a while of talking to Jimmy, he did something kinda unexpected. He put his arm around my waist. At first, I didn't really realize what he was doing, but then it hit me, when Sean was looking for me, and he saw us. I can't even begin to explain what his expression was. Now, I kinda realize what he felt like when Emma kissed him.  
"Sean..Sean!" I yelled as he ran outside.

"Ellie, dont talk to me."

"Wait, please."

"Your mad at me because I kissed Emma? Well, what are you doing with Jimmy?"  
"I didn't even do anything, he just put his arm around me."

"Yeah right.." he said sternly.

"Sean..please.."

"No, don't talk to me ever again. Go back to the party, go be with Jimmy. Just don't ever talk to me, ever again you slut." And that kind of made me explode. Sean was the one who would always tell me not to listen to what people thought about me, and now he's one of them. I slapped him across the face and went back to Ashley's party. It's understandable why he was mad at me, I was being a total hypocrite. But he still has to realize that I didn't do anything, it wasn't even my fault. It's like some random person can go up to Sean and kiss him, and it's okay for me to get pissed at him?

That night, Sean didn't come back. I was still a little mad, but more worried. I hadn't seen him since that whole episode. I don't know where he could have gone. Sometimes when he's angry, he storms off and goes to clear his mind a little, but he comes back after an hour or two. It'd been 4 hours. It was 12 in the morning and he was no where to be found. I sat on Ash's lawn, waiting for him to come back, but he never did. He was the one who told me never to walk home alone, and that he would always be there. But he wasn't. And I guess that kind of scared me a little, because I knew that so far, he was the only stable thing in my life. Craig and Manny were the last to leave.

"Hey, El, do you need a ride home?" Craig asked.

"No, but have you seen Sean?"

"Um, I was talking to him before, I don't know. I think he left."

"He's been gone for 4 hours. I have no idea where he is and he wont pick up his cell phone." I told him.

"Do you wanna go look for him?" Manny asked. I would have never thought that in a million years, Manny would be offering her boyfriend's ex's best friend a ride, let alone be at her boyfriend's ex's house? But I guess she would know how it felt, guys wouldn't mind as much, but for girls it's much different.

"Um, yeah, thanks. I mean, he usually would come back but I don't know where he went." We looked everywhere and he was no where to be found. Craig dropped Manny off at home, and we were gonna go around once more, then give up. There was hardly anyone in the streets at that time. I kept searching around, when a bright light caught my attention. At first it was far away, but at the rate we were going, and at the rate the driver was going --

"Craig! Watch out!" I screamed and that bright light came closer to us until we collided.


	13. No One

**A/N: Yay reviewss! come on guys please review! pleaseeee ) the more reviews equals the more better this story is gonna get..**

**Sean's POV**

I was pissed at her. She's the one who got all mad at me for kissing Emma, when she's freaking flirting with Jimmy! But, i'm sort of happy that it happened the way it did, because now she knows how I felt.

I was just sitting in the park, the spot I always go when I have a problem. And I always seem to come to this spot, I don't know whats so great about it. I guess it's just a type of self-therapy or something, because i'd always leave feeling much calmer. It's just a way to take a break and sort out everything in my mind.

I heard my cell phone ringing, but this time it wasn't Ellie's one hundredeth time calling me, it was Manny.

"Hello?"

"Sean, hey, its Manny. Listen, I think you're gonna want to come to the hospital on Riverdale. Um..so yeah, just come, okay?"

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Just come." I sighed and started walking. I didn't think anything that much of it. Maybe Craig forgot to take his meds or something. I kept walking when I saw Craig's red car, smashed on the right side. _Oh man_, I thought, _Craig is gonna be so mad_.  
I walked into the hospital and Manny was sitting on one of the waiting couches. She looked really upset, and that's when the depth of this situation finally hit me. I sat next to her and she looked up.

"Hey, what's going on?" I was kind of afraid to ask, I didn't want to say anything that would trigger her to be more upset.

"Craig..was in an accident tonight. He dropped me off, and then..I don't know. I got a phone call. The guy who crashed into them was apparently drunk. I talked to the nurse, she said that he's fine. Nothing serious, anyways."  
"That's great, Manny. I'm really glad he's okay." She continued staring at me, as if she was expecting me to say more. I got up and started walking around when a thought came into my mind that caused me to stop.

"You said them..who else was in the car?" I asked her. She looked at me, kind of resistingly. "Manny..who else was in the car?" I asked again, the volume of my voice going up more by each second.  
"Well.." she started, saying it like she was in slow-motion, "I don't really know how to say this. Um, Ellie...was in the car too."  
"What?" I stared at her in disbelief. "But she was, at the party..with Ashley."  
"She and Craig were looking for you, after you stormed off like that."

"Fuck, are you kidding me? Where the hell is she? Is she okay?" I started to go crazy. If something ever happened to her, and I knew it was my fault, i'd never be able to forgive myself.

"I, I don't know. They just told me about-" Craig came out of the emergancy room. "Craig.." she said as they hugged each other. "I need to go call Emma, i'll be right back."

It was just me and Craig. "What the hell happened?" I asked.

"Dude, shut up."  
"What's your problem?"

"My problem is you."

"Oh, great. Join the club with Ellie. What did I do now?" he got up.

"Don't try to tell me this is your fault. You call her a slut, you leave, we come looking for you, we get hit by a car. I mean, Ellie is one of my good friends, and I should be kicking the crap out of you for doing that to her.." Manny came back from talking on the phone.

"What's going on?" she asked.

"Come on Manny, we're leaving." They walked out. _It's always my fault_, I thought. But this time it was different, it wasn't Mike or Jake talking about her. It wasn't me leaving to go to Wasaga. This time was important, she could be really hurt. I walked up quietly to the receptionist.  
"I need some information on Ellie Nash. She just got in here about an hour ago."

"Relation?" the receptionist asked, not looking up.

"She's my girlfriend."

"I'm sorry, I can only give out information to family members right now."  
"You can't tell me _anything_?" I asked, pleadingly.

"I can tell you that she's in the North wing. Follow down that hallway, make a right and there's a waiting room over there. One of the nurses will call you when they get any information."

"Thank You." I said, walking down the hallway. It looked so boring. A person could go crazy staying her for more than a day. I sat down on one of the couches in the waiting room.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Staying awake on 5 cups of coffee, her name was finally called. It's not like I could have fallen asleep either way.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Sculco."

"I'm Sean." I said, as he extended his arm and I shook hands with him.

"Would you like to talk in my office?" I followed him silently, praying that the outcome of this would be good. "So, your Ellie's boyfriend?"

"Yeah, is she okay?"

"Well, when she came into this hospital, she was unconscious. That's because the nerves in-"

"Please," I interrupted, "I don't need details about what happened. I just need to know - is she okay?"

"She's gonna have a lot of headaches, and i'm giving her a painkiller. It's gonna make her really dizzy, but it's gonna stop the headaches. She's gonna be fine, but i'm giving her one more day in here, just to make sure everything goes okay." he said, and a wave on relief came over me.

"Can I go see her?" I asked.

"Yes you can, go down that hallway, until you see room 416."

"Thank you." I walked as fast as I could without running. And there it was. Room 416. Sitting on the bed, a beautiful girl, who even looked amazing from just comming out of a car crash. A girl who seemed so upset, and so angry at the same time. It was my fault. _It's all my fault_. I couldn't let her suffer like this anymore.

"Hey El..how are you feeling?" she didn't even look at me. She didn't want to look at me. "Listen...I know your mad, and i'm sorry." She continued to stare at the celing, as if no one was even talking to her. "But lately," I started again, "why am I always the one saying sorry?"  
"Because you always the one screwing things up." she said, breaking her own rule of silence.

"You know what? I'm sick of being the one screwing up. I'm sorry, if i'm not perfect. And i'm sorry, but i'm done with this. Tell me if you need anything, i'm picking you up tommorow morning. " I said as I walked out the hospital room. Millions of thoughts came into my mind. _What the hell is wrong with you? _I just couldn't keep hurting her. I'm just that kind of person. I hurt Emma, and now I hurt Ellie twice.

I walked home, 10 blocks, alone. No one to protect, or no one to put my arm around. I realized that this is how it was going to be. I had to deal with our break-up. No one to wake up in the morning to, no one to tickle until she screams at you to stop.

I went inside our apartment, and it seemed so empty. It seemed like without her, the whole apartment was emptier. I collapsed on the bed and fell asleep.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I woke up and I looked at the clock. The bright red numbers read 4:11. I got up and took a shower. And I still felt empty. It's like when you let all the air out of a balloon, nothing's left. And i'm nothing without her.


	14. Move Along

**Sean's POV**

I stared at an empty seat, where she would be eating dinner with me. We'd watch some chick movie, or something after, but this time i'd be watching it alone. I couldn't even imagine my life without her. _Stop it, your gonna have to move on_. I can't move on. Not without her. _She's just a girl, what's so great about her?_

Everything.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I entered that same room where so much had happened in so little time. She was sitting on the bed, same as she was before.

"Hey, Ellie."

"Hi Sean" she said, showing she didn't care much to be mad at me.

"Are you ready?"

"I was ready last night."

"Okay, but before we go, I need to talk to you."

"Go ahead."

"Ok. I didn't want us to break up, but we both knew it was going to happen sooner or later. But I want you to know that I still care about you. El, your practically like my best friend. So, I don't want you to move out. I mean, if you really want to, you can. But i'm not forcing you out."

"Sean, we can't live under the same roof as 'just friends'"

"Why not? Haven't you ever watched Friends?" I said, jokingly.

"I don't know..it just wont work out."

"Well, its your choice. I'm just saying, you could stay with me, or you could move back in with your mom."

She thought for a minute. "Just friends?"

"Just friends" I agreed. "Let's go."

We walked home. I was actually happy that she still wanted to move in. If anything, I still wanted to be friends with her.

"I'm kind of tired, so i'm gonna go to sleep okay?" she said as we walked into the apartment.

"Sure."

And weeks went by, still living together as 'friends' was killing me. But Saturday evening, Ellie was out Jimmy. I don't even know when they became friends. But apparently it turned into more than that. I wasn't spying on them or anything, I just happened to glance outside. They were saying goodbye, and he kissed her. He kissed her! I can't even begin to describe how it felt. Like someone had stabbed me in the back. But I couldn't let her know I was upset, I couldn't let her know that I still loved her.

I decided to call someone to get my mind off of all that. I tried calling Craig, but he didn't pick up. Then I thought for a second,_ there is one person I could call_.

"Hello?" she answered.

"Hey Emma. What's up?"

"Um, nothing. How about you?"

"Nothing. Hey, listen, do you wanna go to The Dot right now?"

"I don't know. Last time we hung out..it didn't go so good."

"Yeah, about Ellie. We broke up."

"Oh..i'm sorry."  
"It's all right. So, about my offer? Me, you, The Dot?"

"Sounds good. But Sean, your not like rebounding or anything, right?"

"Nope, i'm over Ellie."

"Ok, i'll see you soon."

"Later." I said, hanging up. Maybe meeting with Emma can start something. Maybe it can make me forget about what happened between me and Ellie.

I got ready and walked to The Dot. Emma was already sitting waiting for me. I think The Dot is pretty close to her house.

"Hey" she said as I walked inside.

"Hey."

"So, what's going on?"

"Nothing..why?"

"Well, you just broke up with Ellie. I think that's a reason not to be okay."

"I'm fine."  
"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, i'm really fine." She smiled and put her hand on top of mine. I looked into her eyes and something, I have no idea what, something drew me to her. Every inch we got closer was every inch I regretted. Because I don't love Emma. But we finally kissed and she stopped for a minute. I think she didn't want to get in the same mess we got into before.

"No, its okay" I said. "Me and Ellie, we're over." I don't even know why I did it. I guess I just missed being in love. "Do you want to come over?"

"Yeah, sure." she said, smiling.

We walked back to my house, and when we came inside, hand in hand, Ellie was in the kitchen, making dinner i'm guessing.

"Hey...Emma." she said, suprised. "Well, I guess i'll leave you guys alone" she said, walking into the bedroom.

I hate to admit it, but she was so jealous, and I was so glad. I wanted to make her jealous. I wanted her to miss me.

**Ellie's POV**

Enough that he breaks my heart, now he's trying to do it without trying. As in he's doing it without even knowing. I mean, Jimmy is great. I really like hanging out with him and we always have fun hanging out. That's why we got together. Because we make each other happy. But just watching them, just knowing that he's moving on too, made me so upset. It made me feel alone, more alone then i've ever been. I just fell asleep, watching tv. And knowing that he was outside that room. With her.

I woke up and looked at the 4 new cuts I had made the night before. One for me, one for him, one for breaking up, and one for him being with her. I needed to get on with my life. I needed to move on. Jimmy could be good for me.

I got up and walked outside. Sean was asleep on the couch. I figured i'd make something to eat, and he'd wake up by then. I was right.

"How do you wake up so early? I mean, every morning your awake at like 6. How do you do it?" he asked, smiling. _I miss that smile._ No, you don't. You're with Jimmy now.

"I don't know" I answered. "I just don't get that much sleep." I tried to change the topic. "So, you and Emma are back together?"

"Yeah, I guess so. You and Jimmy?"

"I think so."

"That's cool."

"Yeah, I guess."

"So, what are your plans for today?"

"I don't know. I think I might hang out with Jimmy."

"Oh, okay."

It's like i'm an actress. I'm not being myself. But what can I do when he's obviously moved on and I haven't?


	15. She's Gonna Break Soon

**A/N: Come on..i give you guys 2 chapters in less than 2 days and no reviews? Seriously, please try to review! **

**Ellie's POV**

Ring, ring, ring. I waited impatiently for Jimmy to pick up. But he didn't, it just went on his voicemail. _Sean would always pick up on me_. Two minutes later, my phone rang and it was Jimmy.

"Hey," I said, answering, "I called you before, but you didn't pick up."

"Yeah, sorry about that."

"It's okay. So, are you busy today?"

"No, but we need to talk."  
"Ok...about?" I asked.

"Just stuff. But come over, okay?"  
"Um, okay. I'll be there soon."

I walked outside and started getting ready. I wanted to know what he wanted to talk to me about. I mean, we've only been going out for like 2 weeks, what could be wrong? Sean and Emma have been going out the same as us, 2 weeks. They seem fine. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe i'm overreacting.

I started to go outside and the cold winter air isolated me. I put one hand in my jacket pocket, the other holding the prescription the doctor had given me. I had forgotten to get it so I figured i'd pick it up now.

I walked into the pharmacy and went towards the desk.

"I need to pick up this prescription." I told the pharmacist. She went into the back room and got a little white bag with a bottle of pills inside it. She told me to sign the book on the desk and gave me the bag.

"Thank you." I said, almost running off.

Some people saying that the worst feeling in the world is not-knowing. And it's completely true. The whole 10 minute walk there caused a million thoughts to come in my mind. I finally got to his house and rang the doorbell - it felt like 5 hours before he answered.

"Hey Ellie." I gave him a kiss and walked inside.

"Hey. So...you wanted to talk?" I asked.

"Yeah. Sit down." he said, gesturing to one of the couches. I sat down and he wheeled himself next to me. "Okay, well we've been going out for 2 weeks. And it's not like I don't love hanging out with you..." I knew what was comming.

"But, you want to break up..." I said nodding my head.

"No, I really don't. But I don't think that i'm completely over Hazel. And it wouldn't be fair to you to have a boyfriend who isnt a good one. Ellie, you don't deserve a boyfriend who's still not over his ex. But I certainly know one boyfriend who's not over his ex, he would be perfect for you..."

"So, we're breaking up, aren't we?"  
"Ellie, i'm really sorry.."  
"No, no. Don't worry about it, don't worry about me." I got up and walked out the door. Tears started to run down my face, and started to smear my eyeliner. But my makeup was the last thing I was worried about right now. I couldn't take this. Everytime I fell for someone, they'd end up breaking my heart in return. Marco, Sean, now Jimmy. I felt so used, I felt so horrible. I walked back inside the apartment and I felt like I was going insane. I couldn't stand still. I needed to do it, I needed to relieve some pain. _Just one cut, it's not a big deal_. But I couldn't do it, I had already made four cuts on my arms the night before, 5 would be too many. I was shaking. And Sean? Sean was just on the couch, talking to Emma on the phone.

"No...yeah..haha, yeah.." he didn't even notice me. He didn't notice that I was pouring my eyes out right next to him. "All right...okay...Em, I love you."

And that's what caught my attention. Those last three words he said to her. _I love you_. It took us over a year to tell each other that we loved each other, and he could tell her that, in less than 2 weeks. I couldn't even tell what I was feeling. I just knew, that I was going to burst out crying pretty soon. I got up and walked into the bathroom, and slammed the door. Something bright glimmered in the light and caught my eye. I took the the arm of the razor and looked at it. Sides debated in my head, whether or not I should do it. I guess a third opinion got involved, because before I knew it, there he was. Sean took the razor out of my hand, and gave me a rubber band.

"Leave me alone! No one freaking cares about me, who's gonna care if I cut myself or not?" I said, still crying and sitting on the hard bathroom floor.

"I care."

"No, you don't! If anything, all you care about is messing me up! It's like your fucking hobby..." and the most unexpected thing happened. He kissed me. He knew how to make me feel better, he knew exactly what would make me feel better.

"Sean, I can't. You and Emma..."

"...broke up. Last monday."

"But, how can that be? You just told her you loved her..." he took out his cell phone and clicked a few buttons. Then he turned it around and showed me. In big letters displayed on recent calls showed the last one, VOICEMAIL. "You faked it..." I sighed. "Why did you do that?"

"Because you were with Jimmy. You moved on. I didn't." I kissed him back. It felt so good, like one of those long awaited kisses you see in movies. But what started as an innocent kiss, didn't end that way. It soon turned into a make-out session. And i'm typically not that kind of girl, but this time, it wasn't about making out, it was about being together. Finally, after everything, being together.

We ended up going from the bathroom to the bedroom, I don't even know how that happened. We were sitting on the bed, still making out, when I felt Sean's hand trail up my leg and into the back of my shirt. I knew what he wanted. He wanted sex. Every touch sent chills down my spine. But what scared me the most, it was the same kind of chills I felt when that guy raped me. I flinched, but I don't think he noticed. I didn't want to make it obvious. I wanted everything to be normal. And I wanted to do this.

But I couldn't.

All the memories flooded back into my head. It replayed like a scratched CD. Over and over, until I couldn't take it. I could feel the hot tears swelling up in my eyes, but I stopped them. I stopped myself. He noticed and looked back up at me.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing, nothing. I'm fine." I lied and he looked at me unsurely. He knew I was lying. He knew everything about me, which made me want to do this even more.

"Listen, I don't want you to do something if your not ready to. I don't want to force you to do something you don't want to."

"Sean..."

"No, it's okay. You're not ready, I understand." I knew he was sort of still pissed off. He rubbed his face and just lied down. I felt so horrible, he's done so much for me, and I can't even do a simple thing like this for him. I wanted to do it, so badly. I went to lie down next to him and started kissing him and kissing his neck.

He stopped me. "El, you and I both know that you don't want to do this. So don't, okay? I really get it. It's ok." He did sort of a half-smile, which meant that he was kinda disappointed, but it was ok.

"I love you."

"I love you too."


End file.
